Torn
by HOTTERTHNU
Summary: Ryan is torn between his worlds..just read!
1. The Dartboard

The Dartboard  
  
Disclaimer: Fox owns the O.C., so...yeah  
  
A/N: This is NOT the new story I mentioned in the final chapter of Oh, the Drama. Just a piece I thought of...but the new story will be posted sometime this weekend (hopefully) or early next week!  
  
Summary: Ryan is torn between his worlds...first chapter: Chino and Newport. Second: Theresa and Marissa. Third? Seth and Trey. Fourth may be Kirsten and Dawn. And if there is a fifth, it will be Sandy and Ryan's dad (what is his name, anyway?) May be somewhat OOC, deal with it!!  
  
Life is like a game of darts. Sometimes, you miss completely, piercing the wall. Other times, you do okay...The outer skirts of the dartboard are okay. And then there's the people who luck out, yeah, I'm talking about the bull's eye.  
  
People like Summer and Seth are the lucky ones. I mean, Newport is but a fantasy for most people in the world. Summer's wardrobe probably costs more than a middle class family's house.  
  
Don't ask me how I ended up here, in this world of Hermes bags, Chanel sunglasses, and Paul Smith suits. It literally sickened me the first time Sandy took me to get a suit. It cost almost as much as a month's rent at the apartment in Chino.  
  
I'd say Chino is on the outer skirts of the dartboard. It's really not that bad; it just pales in comparison to Newport. Actually, a good majority of the people there have steady jobs and are lower middle class.  
  
Now, my life in Chino was off the dartboard. Like one of the times you puncture the wall and it leaves a large, ugly hole. Because that's just what my life did to my mom, screwed her over. According to her, I was a mistake, one she tried to erase but the faint silhouette remained. Which unfortunately was me.  
  
Newport is the bull's eye. And I hit the center of it. No joke. The Cohen/Nichol family is pretty much the wealthiest one in Newport. But I'm not just talking money. I've got two great parents who care about me and would never hurt me. And I've got a brother who would never stab me in the back. I could've been stuck with the type of family that seems to be the norm around here: 40-going-on-16 mothers, workaholic dads, and superficial jocks or shopping fiends for children.  
  
Don't ask me how I managed to hook on to the Cohens. I like to think it's a little thing called luck.  
  
Back "home", with mom, I was like a snake. Going for days without a meal, I mean. I had the odd beer here and there, and maybe a hamburger if I was lucky. But the few times my mom bought groceries or gave me a few bucks, I would probably end up purging my system because food wasn't familiar to me. I guess you could say I was somewhat anorexic. Not on my account.  
  
Here, I've beefed up a little. Don't get me wrong; I was always a pretty built guy, muscles and all. In the words of Kirsten, I didn't have the proper nutrition. Here, I'm presented with three square meals a day and I have access to unlimited food, whenever I want it. Worrying and concern ensue if I don't eat. But sometimes it's hard. Because I'm still not really hungry.  
  
Newport, Chino, sometimes I can't tell the difference. Sure, in Chino, the parties were in old abandoned warehouses and there was no dress code. Parties weren't planned in advance, you just heard about it through the grapevine. In Newport, everyone who's anyone has a calendar filled with social events that are "black tie only" and planned by the best party planners money can buy. In Chino, all we needed was some beer and some girls-and that was a party. Newport's got the thousand dollar dresses, imported liquor, and Botox-enhanced women.  
  
The kids are borderline alcoholics in both places, and their parents don't give a shit either. Well, Sandy and Kirsten care. About my drinking habits. Mom, she was drunk or wasted beyond her mind half the time; so it's safe to say she wasn't paying attention.  
  
The kids here don't have to steal their drinks though, there's a variation. Big difference, I know.  
  
I got a second chance, the chance to perfect my skills. Most people get one shot and if they blow it, that's it. I guess I am one of the lucky ones. Or I just have good aim. It seems to me that I always knew I was meant to do so much more. Call me cocky, but back in Chino I felt like I could do better than that. And now I have. It took a while, but my aim has definitely improved.  
  
But, unlike a dartboard, life is almost purely luck. If you're not born into the lucky crowd, it's almost impossible to regroup and snag the bull's eye. Just call me lucky.  
  
A/N: So, what did you think? Love it or hate it? I'll be posting the next chapter later today, and my new story sometime this week. 


	2. PingPong

Ping-Pong  
  
Disclaimer: Fox owns the O.C., so...yeah  
  
Summary: Ryan is torn between his worlds...first chapter: Chino and Newport. Second: Theresa and Marissa. Third? Seth and Trey. Fourth may be Kirsten and Dawn. And if there is a fifth, it will be Sandy and Ryan's dad (what is his name, anyway?) May be somewhat OOC, deal with it!!  
  
There's no way to weigh the pros and cons of Marissa vs. those of Theresa. There's just no way.  
  
On one hand, Theresa symbolizes my old life, the one I tried to leave behind. The one that screwed me over and over. She is everything I don't want to be. But there's comfort in her familiarity. I know her, we've been there, done that. She knows my life story. She knows how to get through to me, to touch me by reaching deep into my soul. Sounds complicated, Marissa could tell you that, but it really isn't.  
  
Speaking of Marissa, she's everything I've worked for. She even tries to understand me. But she tries too hard. And I'm afraid of hurting her. Theresa, she's a tough girl from the 'hood. It's not that easy to get her to break down, to hurt her. Marissa cracks under the slightest amount of pressure. She's fragile. I get it. But I don't know about her. She's the first girl I've ever considered loving. Okay, okay, you might be wondering about Theresa. I thought I loved her. That is, until I met Marissa and found out what love really is. And if what I feel for Marissa isn't love, then I sure as hell don't know if I'm ever going to find love.  
  
So which one will it be? It goes like this. Our little "triangle", if you want to call it that, is like a ping-pong table. In which I'm the ball. Stop laughing. I didn't mean it like that. I'm just constantly being hit back and forth. I thought I was happy on Marissa's side of the table. But then Theresa came back, winning more than a few "points", if you will, and now I'm all bent out of shape.  
  
There's no doubt about it; both girls are strikingly beautiful. Theresa, she's more of a woman to me. More grounded and secure, and she's got the kind of curves that make my mouth water. But then there's Marissa. Unstable, but I kind of like catching her when she falls. Because I know that eventually she'll be able to walk on her own. And although Marissa's figure isn't filled out like Theresa's, there's definitely something about skinny girls that makes me want to jump her. Like right now.  
  
So where do I stand? I'd say I'm in the air over Marissa's side of the table. When Theresa left, she hit me back over to Marissa's side. A light, gentle tap, one that emits defeat and tells me that Theresa's done with this little game of ping-pong, Ryan style. But I'm still falling...and I don't know where I'm going to land.  
  
Marissa, or Theresa? The age-old question (okay, so I'm being a fan of the cliché) stands. Theresa came first, and I put her behind years ago. She slipped my mind just like that and slipped back in just as easily. Something tells me that's not a good sign. Marissa, Marissa. Love her; hate her, either way she's on my mind. The kid's got staying power.  
  
This is so overwhelming.  
  
I could chase after Theresa, and risk being punched by Eddie (again). But is she worth it? I don't know.  
  
I could go back with Marissa, and risk being not trusted again. That, I don't know if I can do that. I've got trust issues.  
  
With Theresa, there's a chance of physical pain. With Marissa, it's emotional pain.  
  
Which one is worth the chance?  
  
Sometimes, I think it would be easier if I just fell off of the table. The question is, whose paddle will find me first? And will the game continue?  
  
A/N: Well? Is it terrible? I wasn't planning on finishing this chapter so soon but I had a burst of inspiration. Was it crap? Please tell me, and I'll redo it. 


	3. Brotherly Love

Brotherly Love  
  
Disclaimer: Fox owns the O.C., so…yeah  
  
Summary: Ryan is torn between his worlds…first chapter: Chino and Newport. Second: Theresa and Marissa. Third? Seth and Trey. Fourth may be Kirsten and Dawn. And if there is a fifth, it will be Sandy and Ryan's dad (what is his name, anyway?) May be somewhat OOC, deal with it!!   
  
Who am I? An Atwood by blood, by Cohen by heart. The Cohens are more of a family to me than my parents and Trey were. But you know what they say…blood is thicker than water. I'm not so sure about that.  
  
Let's consider my two brothers. Trey, I had no choice (sorry, buddy). Seth, I would give up anything for him to be my brother.  
  
Trey taught me how to steal cars and alcohol. From him, I learned how to get on the good (and bad!) side of my mother's boyfriends. How to think quickly on my feet, and how to win a fight. How to "charm" the ladies, and get them to give it to me. Oh, the joys of brotherly love.  
  
Seth taught me what a real brother is supposed to do. He gave me friendship. Taught me how to use the PS2, and who to watch out for at Harbor. Seth covers for me (as long as it's nothing illegal) and fills the awkward silences with his rambling (which has become somewhat of a comfort to me). Ahh, it's brotherly love at its best.  
  
Trey would stab me in the back with no regrets. Make me feel guilty about not helping him break into cars. Seth, he would give his own life for mine. (Or so he says). That…I don't even know what to think of that. Without a doubt, I'd get in harm's way to protect him. That's what brothers are for, right? So why do I feel different about Trey?  
  
Call me a traitor, whatever. I'm past that stage where words can hurt me. All I know is that I love Seth. Okay, stop with the perverted thoughts. Not in that way. As a brother, I love him. He understands me, we just get each other. Trey would laugh in my face and call me a pussy if I told him I loved him. In that case, I would be lying. If I said I loved him, I mean.   
  
Respect. I'll give him that. I respected Trey-he had street cred and when I was with him, I got respect from others.   
  
Another thing. Trey, he didn't really stick up for me. Take mom's old boyfriend, Tim. Tim came home one day and found his beer gone. He blamed it on my, even though it was my sorry excuse for a mother who had consumed it. Trey just sat there, watching for a while as Tim beat the living daylights out of me. Then he left, giving me a look that said "I'm sorry, bro." But sorry just doesn't cut it, Trey.   
  
In the unlikely event that Kirsten or Sandy were to beat me, I'm sure Seth would have my back. Okay, so maybe not. But he would definitely be there to try and talk them out of it or call the police. Same thing.   
  
Don't get me wrong. I don't think Seth is the perfect brother. He talks too much about Summer…I mean, how far can he stick his head up her ass?! And he didn't trust me during the Oliver thing. That hurt…it really hit home. Needless to say, I doubt Trey would've stuck up for me either. He might have thrown a few punches Oliver's way, but he probably wouldn't have even cared. Probably would have asked why I was getting worked up over one girl. But Seth, he knew I loved Marissa, and even if he didn't believe that Oliver was a wacko, he knew that I was trying to protect Marissa. And Seth tends to ramble, which can lead to him revealing information that was supposed to be secret. Emphasis on "supposed to."  
  
Trey, he got pissed when I wouldn't help him steal a car. Just one more job, Ryan, he pleaded with me. And then told me to leave him the fuck alone when I wouldn't do it. Gee, sorry. Sorry that I wouldn't break the law and risk going back to Juvie and being sent away from the Cohens. Yup, I'm the selfish one here. (Another thing Seth has taught me: the art of sarcasm)  
  
Now, if Seth can forgive me for canceling Seth-Ryan time, which we don't get much of these days as it is…That's saying something. And I like Seth-Ryan time. Ryan-Trey time consisted of me taking orders from Trey…then stealing stuff for him or fighting with him.   
  
Seth's not really the kind of guy I'd normally hang out with. But we've got this connection, unlike Trey and I had. With Trey, it was a blood connection. Never a brotherly love connection. As for Seth, we've got that brotherly love vibe going on. Let me remind you that this means we love each other. As brothers.   
  
I made my decision. Whoever said blood was thicker than "water" is fucked up.   
  
Ask me who I am. I'm Ryan Atwood, Seth Cohen's brother. I like the ring of it.   
  
A/N: Thanks for the reviews!! Wow, this is the third chapter I've posted today! If I have time, I'll post the next one tonight. Please R&R, if you like it or think it's bull. 


	4. Mommy Dearest

Mommy Dearest  
  
Disclaimer: Fox owns the O.C., so...yeah  
  
Summary: Ryan is torn between his worlds...first chapter: Chino and Newport. Second: Theresa and Marissa. Third? Seth and Trey. Fourth may be Kirsten and Dawn. And if there is a fifth, it will be Sandy and Ryan's dad (what is his name, anyway?) May be somewhat OOC, deal with it!!  
  
A/N: Thanks for all the positive reviews!! I've been having a ton of inspiration today, so here's chapter 4. Returning to the game thing next chapter (sorry that last chapter and this one aren't relating to a game, it just came out like that) and OOC means Out of Character!  
  
What's the first thing that comes to mind when you say Mom? Oh, I could tell you about a certain blond haired powerhouse by the name of Kirsten Cohen.  
  
Don't tell Kirsten though, I'm still kind of embarrassed to let her know how much I love her.  
  
The second thing? Dawn Atwood, cigarette in hand and bloodshot eyes. Yep, she's Mom too.  
  
I've gotta give her some credit, for raising me alone. Well, unless you want to count Trey and her black book of boyfriends (which believe me, you don't), she was the only one to guide me for the first 16 years of my life. If you can call it guidance.  
  
Okay, okay. So maybe I'm biased, now that I've got Kirsten. But she didn't always like me. I'm not going to lie and say that we don't get along, because we do, now.  
  
Kirsten, no matter what she tells you, did not like me when Sandy brought me home. She was wary and suspicious, and I've got to admit, I don't blame her. Here, her husband had brought home a kid known for stealing and picking fights. That's definitely the kind of kid someone would want in their house.  
  
She may have been a pretty pathetic mother, but at least Dawn told me she loved me. No, I'm not comparing her to Kirsten, I'm just stating the facts. I took it as somewhat true, even though she was stoned or drunk most of the time. Minor detail. After beating me or yelling at me, she would always apologize. Okay, so she was probably drunk then too, but in my 10 year old mind I thought she was being sincere. I had to believe she was sincere, otherwise what hope would there be in my life?  
  
So I said I wasn't going to compare. But there's this one little part of me that feels neglected. It's small, believe me. I...I just get upset when Kirsten gives me one of those motherly looks but doesn't say what she's got to be feeling. And she's got to want to say she loves me. I just know it. You know, that little thing called a gut instinct? Like the whole Oliver thing. That, I went about that in the wrong way. Why am I telling you this? You know it. But this "love" issue, I don't want to screw it up.  
  
Maybe I shouldn't be saying this. After all, I'm not known for talking all that much. I leave that up to Seth. You might even ask how I could point fingers when I've got them pointing back at me. Like I said, I want to go about this in the right way. Because I think Kirsten's a little scared of me, to tell you the truth.  
  
But I think I've grown on her. She gives me those little motherly looks that Seth absolutely despises. I like them. I mean, they remind me that she cares. And that means a lot. And Seth makes fun of her cooking. I'm not going to lie and say that she's the next Emeril, because she's not. But Dawn never cooked for me, let alone brought food for me to eat. On the rare occasions that she did bring food, I was forced to cook it myself or eat quickly before anyone else could take it away from me.  
  
And the way mom walked out on me. Sorry, I should clarify. But who is my mom? I've never called Kirsten "mom", even though God knows I want to. And she wants me too, also. But that's the thing. She doesn't pressure me. When I'm ready, that's when I'll call her Mom. Just give me time, okay?  
  
Dawn, I call her mom. Or Dawn. But mainly Dawn was for when she was drunk or unconscious. Which was basically all of the time. Don't give me that "parental respect" lecture, the only reason I called her Dawn was so she'd listen. Mom doesn't work too well when you're hallucinating.  
  
But names don't always mean everything. Dawn is my mom. But Kirsten is the one I'd go to for help. For advice. For love. And isn't that what a mom is for? So who is my mom?  
  
Dawn, she didn't stick up for me. When boyfriend # (insert number here) was beating me, where was she? Drinking, smoking, or dealing. Great excuse. Sorry, honey, I was out stealing liquor and cigarettes from the local convenience store.  
  
And the worst part? I never knew when she was coming home. Wait...let's modify that. I never knew IF she was coming home. All this before I was ten. And you wonder why I turned out the way I did.  
  
Kirsten, I know she'll be home. She and Sandy have their fights, but at least she doesn't throw things and go drink herself silly. And she always calls if she's working late. Just for her sake, she tells me. So that she'll feel better that I know where she is. What a tangled web we're twisting. We both know that I feel secure when she tells me where she is. So I know where to reach her, if I need her.  
  
Do you know what that feels like? Of course you do. You probably have two loving parents who would never leave you. And you feel stifled. Hell, I feel stifled by Kirsten and Sandy sometimes. But it feels good. I'd rather have them on my case than have them not care at all. Call me crazy. I call me insecure.  
  
Kirsten's breaking down that wall. I can feel it. This might sound stupid...okay, it's definitely going to sound weird. But when I first came here, it was like I was the yolk and she was trying to get in the egg. But there was a shell around me. When she told me she wanted me around, it was like the shell had been peeled off.  
  
Then there's the white part of the egg. Okay, so that's the barrier I put up with most people. That's gone, too. All that's left is the thin membrane protecting me. And something inside me wants to rip it off and let Kirsten in. Like I never could with my birth mother, Dawn.  
  
Even if Dawn could've gotten through, she would've found me, overcooked and hard, partly due to substance abuse and partly due to my neglected emotional needs. When Kirsten breaks in, I'll be just right; not too runny or overdone.  
  
And then? Maybe I can call Kirsten mom. We'll see. I'll come around. It's not enough that I know. She needs to know.  
  
If you could tap into my thoughts, Kirsten...you'd know. I love you, Mom.  
  
A/N: One more chapter left... Did you like this chapter? Tell me if you hated it or thought it went well. 


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